


I Don't Love You

by bmthevick



Category: Frank Iero - Fandom, Gerard Way - Fandom, My Chemical Romance, emo - Fandom
Genre: AU, Blue - Freeform, Colors, Colours, Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, Frerard, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mild cussing, Post-Split, Red - Freeform, The Black Parade, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 19:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15914808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bmthevick/pseuds/bmthevick
Summary: AU: the touch of the person you love leaves colour on your skinPost splitGerard: redFrank: blueLindsey: yellowJamia: green





	I Don't Love You

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 4 am so please excuse me lmao  
> I love aus, don't judge me.
> 
> English is not my native language so have mercy lmao

Gerard opened his eyes and stretched his arm but didn’t feel anything; lately Lindsey has rarely slept in that bed, as in never.  
He got up to open the window and rubbed his dark eyes in hopes to get them used to the sudden lgiht faster.  
His skin, paler than usual, was left without colours since even Lindsey’s last yellow marks had faded away.  
Gerard remembered the deep blu that once covered his body and bit his upper lip to avoid looking back on times that should remain forgotten; blocking everything before it even started had always been his favourite defense mechanism after hiding, even though hiding was way too hard in a world that covered you in colours with every touch.  
His red didn’t touch a lot of people, he wasn’t the type for one night stands: he used to find relief in alcohol rather than sex.

Gerard walked to the kitchen to have breakfast, but he wasn’t hungry.  
He just needed to do something to avoid thinking of those hands, those eyes, those lips…

Lindsey wasn’t home, neither was Bandit.  
More and more often they were gone for hours, even days, but Gerard couldn’t blame them: it was all his fault, it was his fault if everything was falling apart.  
The divorce was imminent, yet he and the woman that he insisted on calling his wife kept posponing their final decision.  
They had been avoiding the matter for months, so the temporary solution was to live together without even looking at each other.

A glass of whisky was perfect to begin that kind of day.  
Gerard thought about all of the things he ruined, the poeple he broke.  
He seemed to destroy everything he touched rather than colour it: his own fragile mental stability, his marriage, his band… Frank.  
They loved and destroyed each other, they let the other go and forgot about it, even though Gerard never seemed to have gone through the last step of said process.   
He drank maybe to forget him once and for all, maybe because Frank had succeeded with his new album, maybe because Frank was happy without him, maybe because Frank would be just a few blocks away from his house for a concert that night.  
The loneliness was overwhelming and the alcohol couldn’t help it.

Gerard took his phone and dialed that number, maybe because it was a moment of madness, maybe because he didn’t want to get drunk alone again, meybe because he really wanted to hear that voice after so much time.  
The phone kept ringing, but nobody answered and Gerard felt so stupid and naive.

“ Hello? “ answered Frank.  
“ H-hello? “ Gerard was left breathless for a second.  
“ Gee, is that you? How are you? “ Frank didn’t seem upset at all.  
“ I-I’m good… am I bothering you? “ 

Gerard felt the need to punch himself: it was five in the morning, of course he was bothering.

“ You know… I really wanted to call you since I’m here with my tour, but I didn’t know how that would make you feel. “ Frank confessed.  
“ Would you like to meet? “ asked Gerard, squeezing too hard his phone because of his anxiety.  
“ I don’t think that’s a good idea… “ replied Frank in a whisper.

Nobody said anything, they both staid quiet and listened each other breathing.

“ Do you still draw? “ Frank asked.

The question left Gerard speechless: the other guy seemed genuinely interested in his biggest passion besides music.  
The reality was that Gerard couldn’t remember the last time he had even touched a pencil; just like the colours had left his body, creativity and imagination abandoned him.

“ If the offer’s still valid maybe… maybe we could grab a beer tonight. “ Frank added nervously  
“ S-sure. “

\---

Gerard ordered his first beer; he’d promised he wouldn’t be drinking, but he knew damn well he would break that promise: that was what he did best anyway.  
Frank sat next to him without saying a word: there would be planty of them later or he just didn’t know what to say after two years.  
From their looks you could tell that loving too much could only bring to self-destruction.

“ Why did you change your mind? “ asked the red-haired boy.  
“ Maybe for the same reason you called. “ Frank replied, unable to look him in the face.

Gerard sighed and took another sip of his beer, at least he couldn’t say something stupid while drinking.  
The truth was that all of those emotions exploding inside him were better kept to himself to avoid embarrassment, disappointments, regrets.

“ Why did you call me, Gerard? “

The older one gasped when he heard his name.  
He looked straight in Frank’s eyes and thought that he hadn’t changed at all: he was still that mysterious and tormented-looking guy.  
Memories kept coming back faster and more and more painfully; Gerard couldn’t erase them.  
All of those kisses, words, gazes: they just couldn’t get enough.  
The fights, the screams, the distnace: those came later, as violenta s an hurricane.  
It was too much.  
Their love destroyed them: they had been like meteors on a collision course, destined to explode.

“ Perhaps you were right… this isn’t a great idea. “ Gerard commented sorely.

He got up with the glass of beer still in his hands, but the truth was that he didn’t know if that was the right move.  
He knew he had to make it stop, he was tired to kept on hurting everyone that had stood by his side.

“ Remember that time you kissed me in the middle of a concert? “ asked Frank, hiding a smile.  
“ Which concert? “ Gerard chuckled.  
“ When you grabbed my hair and… and kissed me like you never did before, not even when we were alone. It was a moment… I dropped my guitar and held you, just for a moment, then I ran away because nobody had to see that. Nobody had to see your red mark on me. “

Frank remembered that moment perfectly: it lasted for less than a second, but that red he thought he could learn to hate, had already covered hid lips and arms and nobody could know about that.  
He rana way, feeling ashamed of having to hide his feelings.  
Frank remembered the freezing water against his sweaty face, the bitterness, the heat of the moment in which he even forgot about his guitar.  
Gerard thought about how that night ended: a storm of red and blue.  
Geerard was an alcoholic and Frank was addicted to drugs at those times, but they managed to cure one another in some way, but everything just wasn’t right.  
It was like overloading and one of them had to explode in the end.  
Gerard was the first one.  
That letter was posted back in 2013 on Twitter: the end of My Chemical Romance, the breaking of his relationship with Frank.  
One night Gerard attempted suicide: everything was too much.  
He needed to stop living with his fears, worries and problems kept to himself: he had to get clean.  
He had to walk away from every excess and Frank Iero was most certainly one of them; it was his fault, it was his fucking because Gerard knew damn well he’d screwed up real bad and he couldn’t understand why Frank didn’t seem to hate him at all. 

“ I tried to move on, Gee, I really did. It was hard, but Jamia helped me a lot. “ Frank said after a couple of minutes in silence.  
“ I’m happy for you. “ replied Gerard bitterly.

Frank bit his lower lip in attempt not to say those words, not to admit being weak his whole life.  
He shook his head: his thoughts were clouding his mind and sight or maybe it was just the alcohol doing his job.

“ I told her I loved her so many times that it’s meaningless now. It’s like saying a piece of glass has the same worth of a diamond… it’s fake, it’s wrong- Her green has slowly covered your traces, but… “

Frank stopped mid-sentence and sniffled, but he wasn’t crying.  
He pulled off his leather jacket and erard saw it: a red marks.

“ It just doesn’t go away, Gerard. I tried, but it’s useless. “ Frank seemed desperate.

The older boy knew damn well where that mark came from and the memory hit him so hard that it took his breath away.  
Their last night together, the last touch before saying goodbe for good and finding an healthier and more balanced future.  
Gerard’s heart was pounding: he thought it would just come out of his chest.  
He tried one last time to shut down those memories and emotions, but everything wanted to re-emerge as strong as a tornado ready to torn him apart again.

“ How’s Lindsey? “ asked Frank.

Gerard took a sip of his beer to moisten his dried throat.   
How should he answer?  
Frank thought of all of the yellow marks that Lindsey had left on Gerard during those years and his stomach dropped.  
That yellow… that yellow that probably covered without problems or hesitations his blue on the back, hips, neck and lips of the man he had loevd so much.

“ We’re about to divorce. “ replied Gerard staring blankly at the wall in front of him.  
“ Oh… I’m-i’m sorry. “  
“ It’s my fault, as usual. “ 

Gerard sat down again and asked the bartender for another beer; he didn’t know exactly why he needed to drink, maybe for Lindsey’s absence, maybe for Frank’s presence or maybe because he was destroying everything around him again.  
He felt evey good thing he had built during those years crushing down.

“ I’m sorry for leaving… I’m so so sorry for destroying everything. “ Gerard whispered.  
“ It’s not your fault, or at least not entirely your fault. It’s ok, we had to move on and get clean otherwise we would’ve ended up dead by overdose or maybe in jail. I’m proud of what we were, that made me happy, like now I’m happy with my new band and with Jamia. You moved on with Lindsey and now you deserve to find someone who loves you; you need to let the past go and fall in love again. “  
“ Thank you. You truly deserve someone better than me, you deserve to love Jamia without looking back. You don’t deserve to suffer like you did with me. “

In that very moment Gerard knew that everything was finally ending; another end to another story gone wrong.  
Did it really have to go like that?  
Maybe he had to stop thinking and start fixing what he had had broken or once: his marriage.  
Maybe he had to actually put some effort in trying to fix his relationship with Lindsey, maybe he had to try harder.  
Gerard thought about the last time hhe had seen his wife’s colour on his skin; he had never really liked that yellow anyway.

“ Gerard, we loved each other, buti t was ages ago and now we can move on. I’m in love with Jamia and you’ll find someone able to cover Lindsey’s marks. I promise. “  
“ Frank… It c-can’t… I- don-n’t… “

Gerard felt an unbearable weight pain in his chest that left him breathless.   
He just let out a shaky breath: if you love someone you have to let them go, isn’t it?  
After everything he had put him through and the hurt he had caused him Gerard couldn’t let Frank suffer even more; he had to let him go and let him live his new life.  
He finished his beer and got up: it was time to go.

“ Gee, no grudges or regrets. As I told you before, I’m happy of what we were because that shaped two better people: I love what we’ve grown up to be. We were literally on the edge of self-destruction, but look at us now! We’re chatting in this cool bar without hurting each other. “ Frank smiled.

Gerard saw a blue flash lighting up the room and forgot everything bad just for a few seconds, then was snapped back to reality by Frank, who was getting up from his seat.  
He watched fleetingly his red mark on Frank’s arm for the last time before he put on his jacket.  
Talking about hurting each other was odd, since he’d caused so much damage, but felt so hurt inside and lonely.  
They walked slowly side by side through the exit and once outside, both exposed to the cold air, they looked each other straight in the eyes.  
Nobody said anything, they just hugged; could everything be fixed by shitty excuses and apologies and a hug outside a bar?  
They remembered eveyrhing: the gigs, the loud music, the long trips, the kisses, the sex, the love, the alcohol, the drugs, the hatred.  
Gerard remembered the blue that made him think about the ocean and his depth, that made him think about Frank’s smile.  
The black-haired guy remembered the bright red of the flower petals, of Gerard’s dyed hair.  
They remembered their colours matching perfectly; skin on skin, dirtied by those colours that made them feel alive.

“ It was nice seeing you, Frank. “ Gerard smiled with sadness in his eyes.  
“ Yeah… see you soon. “ replied the younger boy.

Before going their separate ways, Frank touched lightly Gerard’s fingers like he used to do during all those interviews to make it seem a random gesture.  
Blue and red shined in the darkness of the night; such great love couldn’t end like that.  
Gerard saw his frend’s fingers, full of small cuts due to the guitar, covered in a bright shade of red and he just couldn’t hide it anymore.  
Frank’s heart was beating fast; his blue was quickly covering Gerard’s arm.  
They looked at each other without saying anything, with watery eyes, trembling fingers and the heart pounding in their chest.

They loved each other, they still do.

**Author's Note:**

> ME SPACE
> 
> Hello everyone!  
> I woke up at 3 or 4 am idk and I wrote this cause why not? lmao  
> Sorry again for bad Englisj, but it’s not my native tongue so I’m just trying to improve (feel free to crrect my mistakes)
> 
> Thank you so much just for reading this, it means a lot.  
> Please let me know what you think about this os, I’d appreciate that a lot.
> 
> If you want you can follow me on  
> Twitter: bmthevick  
> Wattpad: _true_
> 
> Again thank you so so much!


End file.
